


Head's a Mess

by iamalivenow



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Death, Decapitation, It doesn't stick though, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Pining, Post-Battle of Starkiller Base, Resurrection, True Love, this is how i show my love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-22 06:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8276099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamalivenow/pseuds/iamalivenow
Summary: Kylo loves Hux a lot. Such a shame about Starkiller though.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> not beta'd

Kylo has always loved too strongly. From the very beginning, ever since he was a child, he gave so much of himself to relationships, with his mother, his father, Uncle Luke, and all of the other Jedi kids. Then, when he was older, to Snoke, to his knights, to Hux.

It was such a shame no one ever gave all of themselves in turn. 

His mother had never understood him because she was always expecting more from him then he could ever do, his father left him because apparently he had more important things to do, Uncle Luke hated him because he reminded him of the dark side, the Jedi children were dead by his hand, Snoke only used him for his goals, his knights didn't love him the right way just following him, and Hux...

Hux was always different. Kylo could tell from the day they met on the bridge, even surrounded by his knights the moment Hux had walked into the room. Through his mask he felt such strong instantaneous hatred from him, he couldn't help but smile. He wanted that. Such strong drive he felt emanating from the man. 

Honestly, what an awful person.

He found out about Hux in waves, the way the Force always gave him information. He was so happy that the Force approved. So elated. And the Force was giving, so very giving when it came to Hux.

Hux was a bastard, born to nothing, simply waiting for his father's ire to become to much and snuff him out. It never happened though, as Hux had taken initiative, like in most things, and poisoned his father. Cowardly way to go about, really, but it was very Hux. 

Hux loved few things, Kylo had learned. Control and violence and good strong caff in the mornings. He took it black, something Kylo never learned how to do, to much of a sweet tooth to entertain the idea, but Hux was always miserable if he hadn't had his caff in the morning. If Hux was miserable so was every single other person on the Finalizer.

Sometimes Kylo would mess with the caff machine just to watch the ship descend into chaos for a day. It was a good past time, and he was pretty sure Hux hadn't figured out it was him. Maybe even his knights wouldn't be able to protect him from the man's wrath. He thought about what Hux would do to him, how he would feel with the man's hands around his neck or, maybe he would stab him with his own saber. 

Hux loved cigarettes too. He rarely smoked, but when Kylo would catch him, he recognized the brand. Expensive as all hell, and rare to find too. When Kylo was sent out on missions he would try and find them, would smuggle them aboard his command shuttle and would then smuggle them into Hux's quarters when the man was out. Hux smoked them anyway.

Hux was a small man who wore a lot layers to make himself look big. He had red hair and a lot of freckles. He had green eyes that almost always looked tired. Kylo thought he was really pretty, in a way. The same way he thinks he's pretty. They don't fit into any system very well. He knows members of the crew lust over him, and he knows members of the crew lust of Hux, and he knows it will never go any where. 

But he dreams about it sometimes, the two of them bringing the crew to their knees. He dreams about a lot of things he knows he shouldn't dream about, like what Hux's hands feel like, and which of them would be in charge in bed, and how, if it ever came to that, he would tell Hux what he really felt. 

He wasn't expecting the girl, Rey, beautiful and perfect and everything he knows his parents wanted him to be. Whatever, it doesn't mater, because he has Hux now. Hux who hates undoubtably, who is never confused in what he wants from Kylo, who likes sharp caff and expensive cigarettes. Hux who Kylo loves so very much. 

He doesn't show it though, because Hux must know, he must feel it just like Kylo feels him every time they are together. He is certain of it. He must know because when Hux gives his speech and fires of Starkiller, Kylo knows that Hux thinks off him when the sun is extinguished, when the beam rockets off into space, when six billion people die. He knows. 

When Hux is punished for Starkiller being ruined, Kylo is livid. Kylo has never been more angry, because can't Snoke see what he's taking away from him? Can't Snoke see what he was doing to Kylo?Can't Snoke see anything at all? 

He orders Kylo to take Hux's head off with a new saber, his old one, his loved one, lost when the planet collapsed. Kylo is livid newly, because how dare he imply Hux is worthy of anything less? Hux is in the room, when Snoke tells him, and he must know what Kylo feels because he gives him a look. There is so much in that look. 

So fine, he thinks, let it be so. A new saber will be made, with the express purpose of making this one single act as amazing as Hux deserves it to be. The last saber took him a month to build. The one will be done much faster, within one day. Snoke provides him with the material and Hux jokes off handedly that it was always going to end this way. Kylo laughs, because Kylo knows that this isn't really an end. Not in anyway that matters, anyway. 

Hux watches him work. They talk much too casually, but Kylo supposes it's fine, considering. Hux asks questions, and Kylo answers as quickly and as clearly as possible. He wonders why Hux would care, but then he realizes what he's doing. He's finally showing his feelings. Kylo knows. Hux watches with an intensity Kylo loves too much, as he inserts the kyber crystal Hux picked out. 

The saber is a double bladed one. A marked change, Hux points out to him. It will be a change, from this point onward, Kylo tells Hux. After Kylo takes off his head, he will only use the other side. Hux laughs at him, tell him to not be ridiculous, but there is a softness in his voice Kylo has never heard before. A softness that Kylo dreamed off, in a dark room, alone.

When they are in Snoke's chamber, Kylo fires up the blades. Snoke seems to worry, Kylo feels it, and smiles. Hux is on his knees in front of him and Kylo wishes there were more chances for this. He knows there were never going to be, not the way they behaved around each other. Not this time. The red light the blade gives of looks beautiful on Hux's face. He whispers it into Hux's mind, and the man meets Kylo's eyes.

Kylo wishes he could preserve this moment for all eternity. This singular moment of complete and utter understanding between them. Kylo wishes for a lot of things. The saber flies up, Hux smiles wide. He must know the way Kylo knows, that this isn't the end. His smile is a vicious thing full of promise. Kylo wants it. He smiles in turn again and Hux nods. He swings it down. There is a spark, and not an ounce of noise in the room. 

As an attendant comes to remove the body, Kylo snarls at them when they touch his head. Snoke seems to want to say something, but he stills too, when Kylo picks Hux up in his hands, his body with the force. He holds him tightly, and leaves the chamber. He finds a a hyperbaric container with a glass type plate in the front and rests him in there. 

He has what he wants, forever and always with him at his side. Hux smiling wide at him, thinking forever, how much he must adore, and love, and hate Kylo all at once. He cradles the chamber to his chest and rocks back and forth with him, promising him everything Hux would want. 

Kylo wonders what Hux would have been like if they touched each other. If Kylo opened his mouth and just told him. Would Hux have cried? No, Kylo thinks, that isn't very Hux at all. Kylo was the one who cried between the two of them. But there's no point in wasting time doing something like that now. Hux would have been upset with him if he wasted his time thinking about the past. 

He goes to find a bigger chamber for the body, with Hux in his hands. Now? All he had to do was move forward, with Hux at his side, and when the time came, when ever the Force willed it, they would be together again. Kylo would tell him then, exactly how he feels about the other man. Hux would laugh at him.

He couldn't wait.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not beta'd

Hux's eyes fly open first. The light blinds him, and it hurts. Genuinely, fully, completely. His head feels like it's about to split open, the light shooting all the way back into his skull. He feel like he's going to be sick. Violently sick. A gloved hand covers his eyes, and when Hux blinks aggressively, the hand pushes down, keeping them closed.

“Don't rush.” 

He doesn't rush. He waits until the hand moves away from his face, and slowly, Hux opens his eyes. The room isn't even that bright, but his vision swims all the same. He can't focus on anything, its just a big mass of colors. 

“It's going to take a while, I think. For the sight to work right.” 

Fine, Hux nods. It feels awkward, like he has to relearn how movement feels. When his head actually moves with the nod a minute later, he realizes his reaction time has slowed tremendously. Almost as if the connection between his thoughts and his body weren't right. It might not be, for all he knows. 

“Can you breathe?”

He must have been awake for two minutes now, before even realizing that he wasn't breathing. He almost shakes his head but instead opens his mouth and inhales. The air is cold, and it feels good inside him, refreshing even. He chokes on it a minute later, coughing so hard he lurches forward into a set of waiting arms. He's pushed back down again. 

“Don't rush.” 

The colors are still blurry, the voice is muffled, his movements feel off, and cold. He feels cold. The type of cold that goes all the way down into the bones, sets there, never leaves. He doesn't think he was ever going to have the luxury of being warm. He chokes on air again, lurches forward again, and the hands push him back. Soft, gentle, strong hands. They rub up and down his arms, returning feeling into them. 

“Do you feel that?” 

Hux nods again. It's a bit faster, still not satisfactory, but an improvement. 

“Can you move your fingers?” 

Hux tries to wiggle his fingers as best he can. He's aggressive with it, and he feels pain shoot up his arms. Like his fingers were asleep, and the sensation wasn't coming back. It is delayed, like his nodding was, but when he's convinced he definitely feels movement, he clenches and unclenches his fists. 

“You're doing really well. Really well.” 

He feels the hand on his face rubbing soft circles. It feels soft, fluttery. The sensation isn't right, Hux realizes. It feels as if the contact is a layer away, as if the hand is rubbing him through cloth. He doesn't feel cloth on him though. He squints his eyes closed and when he opens them, it's been a few minutes. The time slipped away from him almost immediately. 

“Hux?” 

“Oh.” Hux says, his voice raspy from disuse. “It's you.” Kylo Ren hovered over his body, dressed in his full regalia, helmet and everything, which was rather insulting. Considering. “How have you been?”

“G-good? How, uh, how have you been?” 

“Oh, well, I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you murdered me?” 

“I didn't want to! You know I didn't-” He reaches for his helmet and with a hiss, it comes off. He has a huge gash across half his face. “I'm sorry.” His hair seems to have gotten longer, since he last saw him. For a second, the flash of Ren standing over him, his saber bathing him in red light, the blade being swung down, and its gone again. “I'm really sorry.” 

“I know.” Hux tries to sit up, and when Ren puts a hand to his shoulder, Hux nudges it away after a few second. “You told me you were.” For a second, again, he remembers sitting beside the man as he worked on the saber he beheaded him with, laughing about... something. It's gone when he blinks again. “How long has it been?”

“Do you forgive me?” Kylo Ren asks, inches from his face. 

“How long has it been?” Hux insists again, and Ren looks like his entire family was murdered in front of him.

“Three years.” Ren mumbles. He twists his hands in his lap. “I missed you.” 

Hux sighs. Three years was a long time. Especially during a war. Everyone would have heard about his decapitation by now. How was he going to do anything with that hanging over his head. Ren sits quietly, expectantly, at his side. He wonders what sort of thing the man must have done to resurrect him. 

He remembers, longer now, how he had fucked up Starkiller, how he was blamed for it, how Ren had yelled at Snoke for the first time. It's gone again, and replaced by them sitting together in a workshop, Ren asking him to pick a crystal, Hux joking about how morose all of this was, trying his best to convince Ren to not kill him. 

He didn't think this is what the man meant when he said they would see each other again. Well. Immortality was a good look on most people, he just hopes he didn't have a horrific scar on his neck. That sort of thing was very hard to cover up, after all.

“No.” Hux says. Ren looks up at him again, and slowly, painfully slowly, Hux turns his whole body to place a hand on Ren's face. He looked almost rapturous. 

“No?”

“I don't forgive you. Not yet.” Hux rubs his hand up and down Ren's face. It's a laborious thing. “Does Snoke know?”

“No.” Ren gasps. It's almost filthy, the way the force user was responding to everything, hanging on every word. “He will.”

“He won't.” Hux says. “I don't want him to, do you understand?” 

“Yes. Yes, of course.” Ren nods aggressively. 

“Who knows then?” 

“My knights.” 

“The same ones as before? The six of them on my ship?” 

“Yes.” 

“Loyal?”

“To me only.” Hux nodded along. Stars, it felt like moving through glue. He rocked his head side to side, listening to his joints pop. It felt good. He rolled his shoulders next, followed by his arms and back. Ren watched in rapt attention. 

“Help me.” He extended his hands, and Ren took them. Hux wiggled off the slat he was laying on until his feet his the cold floor. His weight was almost to much, and his legs shook under him. All of his muscles must have been atrophied. Not to say anything for the rigor mortis he was undoing. Any strength he had was a wispy thing that threatened to leave him at any moment. “Ren?”

“Yes.” 

“Why am I naked?” 

“The ritual-” 

“Alright, yes.” Hux met his eyes and watched as his pupils dilated. “Do you have any of my clothes?” 

“They were all burned.” 

“We are not on The Finalizer then?” Ren shook his head. “Where are we then?” 

“My ship.” He said. “Do you want to sit down?” 

“I would like some clothes before hand.” Hux watched Ren nod. He helped him back up on the slate which he now realized look a lot like a morgue table. The ever present cold suddenly felt much stronger.

“I'll be back in a minute.” Hux looked around the room. It looked like the med bay, but what ever it was, it wasn't sanctioned, certainly not up to Order standards. There was a window looking onto a hallway, but nothing to tell him if they were in space or on land. Something rocked through him, almost as if the ship had taken off, but no, it was to quiet for that. 

A dark figure rushed past the window before stalling to a halt and turning back to stare at him. He thought it was Ren for a second, but his helmet sat next to his hip. One of his knights then. He could barely tell them apart before, and with his mind as scattered as it was, it certainly wasn't going to happen now. Hux lifted a hand and waved at it. 

The thing bolted almost immediately, in the opposite direction it was going in before. Hux sighed. Alright, yeah, this was going to be just as ridiculous as it was before. The door opened and Ren walked back into the room with a mass of black in his hands. Ren laid it out next to him, and waited for Hux's approval. Well, it wasn't like he had any choice in this matter. He didn't think Ren would have any civvie clothing laying around.

“Is this yours?” Ren preened under his gaze. 

“Most of it.” 

“I saw one of your knights.” He nudged his head towards the window. Ren stiffened up a bit. Was he not supposed to mention them? 

“They we're supposed to leave us alone.” Hux had to fight to not role his eyes. 

“Help me get dressed.” 

Ren grabbed the underclothes first, and pulled them over Hux's legs. Hux lifted his hips up using all of the strength of his arms to do so. The underclothes were constrictive, which Hux found odd. Ren had typically loose clothing on. The pants Ren pulled onto him next were loose too. A tight black crop top was pulled over his shoulders. 

“What is this?” There was a level of incredulousness that still carried in his voice. Good.

“The over shirt, shawl, and armor sleeves on next. Underclothes.” Ren tells him, as if he doesn't realize how absurd Hux must look right now. 

“Just give me the shawl. Why do you people walk around like this? It can't be practical.” 

“Keeps the blood in.” Ren says with a small smile, and drapes the black shawl of his shoulders. It sounds like a joke, but maybe it wasn't. Most weapons cauterized the wound, so maybe it was a religious thing? Who was to know, with these people. “Do you want food?”

“I don't know.” The shawl was softer then he expected it to be. It always looked rough on Ren's shoulders. 

“You aren't hungry?” 

“I don't know, Ren.” He hadn't eaten in three years, so it would follow that he would be starving, but he wasn't. His stomach felt tight, sure, but there was no hunger at the edges. “No.” 

“Tired?”

“I don't have strength.” Hux says. “I am not tired.” 

“Food then.” Ren says and offers Hux a hand. Hux takes it and he is on his feet again, his legs shaking under him. 

“I hate this.” Hux tells Ren when they finally get out of the room a few minutes later. If Hux thought that moving his hands was slow then moving his legs was like watching stars grow. 

“You'll get better at it.” 

“I shouldn't have to.” Hux says. He's grabbed on to Ren's forearm, and Ren's other hand supports his left side. When they finally get to what Hux presumes the be the kitchen, all six of Ren's knights are huddled together, waiting for them it seems. They don't say anything. Ren sits him in a table and goes behind a counter. 

The knights just stare at him for the few minutes Ren isn't there. They sit in complete silence. It's different from when Hux saw them on his ship. They were rarely there but almost always moving. When Ren would give them orders or when he would train with one of them, there was always movement from the black mass of people. Undulation, even. 

He has to think if he has ever seen one of them talk, but he either hasn't or his memory has more spots in it then he first assumed. But now, the stillness and silence is almost terrifying. A wall. When Ren comes back with several plates, Hux thinks he's going to have dinner with them, but when Ren sets them on the table, none of them move. 

“Eat.” Ren says. Hux picks up a fork and sighs inwardly. This was going to take forever and a day. But he eats. 

“I need you to catch me up.” 

“Right.” Ren nods. Every now and then Hux looks at the knights from the corner of his eye. “The Finalizer is fine. The ship is running the want you want it to. The First Order is moving forward with the vision you had for it.”

“Who's my replacement?” 

“Mitaka.”

“That's disappointing. I would have given it to Phasma.” Ren nods. “What about your nonsense with Skywalker?” 

“It's not nonsense.” Hux is surprised how easily they fall back into it after that. Not much has changed apparently. The food is decent, even if it takes him a while to get through it all. The knights don't move an inch. 

“And the girl?” 

“Rey. Her name is Rey. Good.” 

“What do you mean good?” Hux raised his eyebrows accurately enough. “Look at what she's done to your face. Look at what she's done to me.” 

“There has been a shift in the force.” 

“Of course there fucking was. When isn't there? What? So you're friends with her now? After she and her friends and your parents burned my dream down to the ground and danced on the fucking ashes?” He's angrier then he has been a very long time. 

“Not friends. We have a bond, I teach her things from --”

“You are giving the enemy ammunition to use against you?” Hux makes a noise in the back of his throat. “Are you stupid?” 

“No, I'm trying to tell you-”

“Have you made up with your mother as well? Has she forgiven you? Why is the First Order still standing with you in charge? Why not just give them everything?” 

“Hux-”

“What?!” 

Ren points at the plates spinning behind his head. The empty ones he had managed to finish spin on an axis at an absurd speed. 

Oh. 

“Why is that happening?” Hux watches them rotate in the air. The knights have somehow gone even more still, and that just irritates him more. 

“There has been a shift in the force.” Ren says with a shit eating grin, and Hux yells in frustration. The plates fly at Ren's head and he stops them with a hand wave. “A side effect of your resurrection.” Hux sits down and puts his face in his hands. 

“Don't refer to it as if it were a medical condition.” He says and puts his head down on the table completely. He feels a hand on his shoulder, and the five more follow it. Oh great, now this as well. A seventh hand rests on his head. “We are going to address it, aren't we? The fact that I'm having lunch sitting across from a god?” 

There is a vibration through the air all of a sudden, which Ren almost seems to join with a laugh. Laughter, is that what this is?

“I'm not a god, Hux.” 

“So any force user can just break apart the fundamental law of the universe?” 

“With enough training, and with the correct person, maybe.” Hux looks up then, meets Ren's eyes. He waits. “The technique is there should someone choose to utilize it. Not just anyone can be resurrected though. There are a lot of factors. You have all of them. And I am willing to give you this.” 

“What factors?” The hands on his back almost pushed at him, but he felt calm when they did it. He didn't look at the knights. 

“I can't tell you. You might lose them if I do.” 

“Are you kid-” Another wave of calm poured over him. He let out a sigh. “Fine. Why are they touching me?”

“They want you to be happy.” Ren says. “You are important to them.” 

“They haven't said a word to me.” Hux straightens up a bit. They undulate away from him back to the spot they were occupying before. 

“They don't talk. It's a vow of silence. They communicate with each other and me using the force, if they need to.” 

“Do they.” Hux doesn't feel tired per say, exasperated maybe is a better word. He wonders if he will ever have the luxury of feeling tired again. On the other hand, so much could be done now, as soon as he shakes of three years of rigor mortis. 

“You might as well be a god to them, actually.” 

“What?” 

“It's complicated.” Hux frowns. 

“And to you?”

“Yes.” Ren says. 

“That's why you laughed earlier then.” Ren nods. Great. Great, really. Just fantastic. “Can we get in contact with The Finalizer?”

“I can get a comm to Mitaka if you want.” 

“I do.” Ren nods again. 

“Later.”

“Later.” Hux nods as well. “Right. Do you have any plan moving forward?”

“What?”

“What is the current goal, the current objective?” 

“The resistance is still present. Getting rid of that seems imperative. And Rey-”

“Yes. Explain that to me. How do you think this is a good idea? Who allowed this? Is Snoke aware?” 

“She wants to be more then Skywalker allows. Its a very relatable feeling she's going through. Snoke knows, he wants me to seduce her to the dark side.” 

“Don't say that, it revolting.” The air vibrates around him again, and he turns to look at the knights. He feels content roll over him. “Do they just send emotions to each other instead of words?” Ren looks shocked before he nods. “Right.” Practical, in a way. Intent with out the muddle of words surrounding it. He wished everyone he worked with would do that instead. They talk about the same thing for an hour or so, until Hux starts feeling sick seemingly out of nowhere. 

“Hux are you alright?” 

“No, I-” He feels a wave of pain wash over him all of a sudden and what felt like nausea. Ren gets up and helps him to a bathroom. The entire time the room seems to spin wildly. Stars above, he feels miserable. Ren waits outside while he retches into the toilet. 

Sol? 

Oh great, and hallucinations as well. 

Sol? Sol? Sol? Sol? Sol? Sol? 

When he manages to get up and wash his mouth off, he turn to see Ren staring at him. “I don't think you can eat.” Hux looks in the mirror, at himself, for the first time. He's paler then he was, a lot of weight and muscle is gone, his eyes are a bit sunken in. He has a golden ring around his iris. 

“Unfortunate.” Hux says back. “Are hallucinations normal too, or did you fuck something up?” 

“Hallucinations?”

“I keep hearing Sol repeated.”

“Oh, no. Those aren't hallucinations.”

“No?”

“No.” Hux sighs. 

“Do you want to tell me what that is then?” Ren motions a hand and his knights crowd the door way. 

“Sol is you. It's what they call you.” Hux looks at Ren, at the knights, and then back at the mirror. He notices the ring around his eyes, the pale skin, the thin frame. He regards himself for the first time in a long time. 

“Is it because of the hair?”

**Author's Note:**

> [iamalivenow](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/) is me on tumblr, come say hi, I'm nice, I swear. 
> 
> Comments always appreciated. 
> 
> If you make anything, please tag me in it! 
> 
> ✧*｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و✧*｡


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